I'm Sorry.

I'm sorry for having feelings.
Feelings of anger and confusion and resentment.
I'm sorry that I don't know how to deal with them.
I'm sorry that sometimes they get thrown at the wrong person.
I'm sorry that the wrong people don't know I'm sorry.
I'm sorry that they can't help me, when that's all I want.
I'm sorry that they get angry because I'm angry.
I'm sorry that I'm stuck burying things deep within me.
I'm sorry for trying to ask for help.
I'm sorry for failing at asking for help.
I'm sorry for thinking someone would want to go deep within me.
I'm sorry for the thoughts that go through my head.
I'm sorry that they're sometimes twisted and scary.
Most often twisted and scary.
I'm sorry that I expected you to understand.
I'm sorry that I realized too late you don't.
I'm sorry for expecting you to.
I'm sorry that you have to listen to me cry.
I'm sorry that you try to reach out and I slap your hand away.
I'm sorry that I can't make myself better.
I'm sorry that you can't make me better.
I'm sorry it can't be made better.
I'm sorry that you have to deal with this forever.
I'm sorry I have to deal with this forever.
I'm sorry.

What is up my bitches

Yo Yo Yo from the 'Vag!

While i'm still without most furniture including a kitchen table and small appliaces, including but not limited to a microwave and my GT Xpress 101 (but safely in is the ice cream machine) - I've officially moved into my (our!) apartment back in the car theft capital of the country. Thankfully - still got my truck though. The no garage thing - can lick me.

*NOTE TO SELF* nn popcorn machine and mini fridge.

It's amazing how much stuff from my house I'm actually gonna be able to fit in this apartment, especially considering it's a huge downsizing I'm goin' through. However - LOVING THE SMALLER SPACE. Loving even more the no shoveling. HA! Who're we kidding - I never shoveled at the house anyway.

So apparently - the weather has been shit ass for the last couple days. Glad I got most of the moving out of the way when I did. Seriously - removing about 8349 inches of ice from the windsheild to go shopping puts a huge damper on the day.

On the bright side - I leave in 3 sleeps to see that boy of mine in Tex-ass. On the downer side the weather here is supposed to be unseasonably warm by Monday which leaves little to no room for bragging rights from the nicer climate.

This'll be the first Christmas away from home and I'm dealing very well with that fact. My favorite Christmas ever was the year my entire extended family was at my house for Christmas eats and not one of them seemed to notice I was the only one missing from the festivites due to the fact I'd not been called for dinner. Needless to say I'll deal quite well being at Joey's place!

It will suck not being around for Miu Miu's first Christmas, and not seeing any of the other kids will suck what with the smiles they all bring to my face. I decided yesterday one of my favouritest sounds in the world is the sound of Bub's laughing.... I need to get that on video or something before he grows older.

Happiness = seeing MacMillMann for the first time in way too long this week. She makes me smile cuz she's fun. We went to Timmy Ho's and that was a production, however I managed to pick up some Canadian coffee for the in-law family in Tex-ass for Christmas presnts.

I'm also making them Nanaimo bars

*insert drool here*

Other than that I'm jealous because I know Dupe and the Rae's and the Kuntz's are gathered tonight for a get-together before the Christmas season. This'll be the first year EVER that I'm not around my friends for at least part of the season. That is the part that gives me tears.

Oh the drinking I will miss out on...

Why is it I can almost hear everyone thanking God for that?!?

Loves ya

ciao.

*insert blank stare here*

I know I tend to lean towards the over-emotional. I know that sometimes I feel emotions so deeply it scares me. I know that sometimes I wish that I could be numb like most people. And sometimes I find emotion in something that is absolutely the last thing I should be finding it in.

Here's the thing...

Tomorrow, I "move" into my new apartment in Regina. New bed, cable and internet will be hooked up, toiletries, pictures, and truely a minimal amount of furniture. As anyone who knows me knows - I just spent the last 4 odd years as a home owner in Regina. My own house, my own space, my own stuff.

Here's the twisted unreal emotional part:

I've been draggin' my ass all week moving to Regina. Partly because of the sudden cold spell (who wants to move then?!?), partly because the emptiness of the apartment in an area I'm unfamiliar with is a little scary (hellooooo TV!), partly because I didn't want to live there without internet (hi, addict :D) and just a few minutes ago I got in touch with perhaps the biggest reason of all.

Reality has set in. In a few months, I am (HAPPILY!!) going to be a married woman. Which means - for good reasons or for bad - the bottom line is I'm very likely to never live in this house again. My home - the place I grew up in, the place where I know every in and out. Unless (and it's unlikely - come on - I don't work!) I can afford to someday buy the house from Mom and Dad when they decide to downsize (because really, I would LOVE THAT....) tonight will be the last night I live in this house. Granted, there will be nights - many nights - spent here in my future, thankfully.

So instead of sleeping when I'm tired and headachy and have to be up bright eyed and bushytailed to make the long (HA! 2 hours - some cities that's not even long enough to get out of! [IE Calgary - Hi 1 hour to get from Happy Brother's house onto the highway last week...]) and boring drive to Regina, I sit awake - thinking of everything I've ever experienced in this house. And there's a lot - good and bad! Because tomorrow, I move into my transition place. A place that is by no means permanent, but a place that will easily fill it's purpose for the time being.

Anyone wanna put bets on if there's gonna be tears? Seriously - you could totally make money off my crying...

Ah well - C'est la vie. I guess instead of emotional I could call myself sentimental. Except for the fact that I truely am an emotional mess.

Ciao

Have you ever noticed?

We make a lot of our post titles cliffhangers. As in - I was going to call this post "Have you ever noticed..." because the "..." seems almost standard for us. I decided to switch it up.

Exciting, non?

In other news I offially have my apartment in the Vag again. It's a cute 2 bedroom deal in the Rosemont area. Will be a new experience for me as I've never lived anywhere other than the east of the city. But it is quick and easy to get this one, and I don't have to live in it for 9283479384 years on a lease, so it's perfect. It's an older building and the bathroom needs to be painted, but it's cute and I'm so excited I may wet myself yet about it. Excited for so many reasons, but super excited because it'll be so awesome to again live in a place with no responsibilty. IE - no lawns, no snow shovelling, no me in charge of getting broken things fixed. So amazing. It's gonna be a slight - okay, major - downsize in size, but i'm even excited about that. Right now I'm just all about the smallness and simplness of the situation.

So - that being said when am I moving in? Oh who knows! My bed should be in Regina by the end of the week (King size, bitches - memory foam - best bed EVER!!) and I have to be up there Wednesday because cable guy is coming. I've been trying to get up there since yesterday but it's damn cold, and I don't wanna be outside. Plain and simple.

MacMillMann or Loafy if you happen to read this - I have a new phone number and I'm excited to see you guys again on a regular basis! I hear rumblings of a job in Loafy land.... does that mean *I* have to get a job soon?? :(

In other non-moving-to-Regina news - I bought my ticket to head to Tex-ass to spend the holidays with my boy and his family. I leave on the 20th until the 9th - woohoo!! I can't wait to see him. I also can't wait to introduce his family to Christmas with perogies. Can you even imagine a Christmas without?!? I surely can't! I think I am also gonna make a Christmas Turtle Cheesecake - only made 29349738 of them last year - haven't made any yet this year. So yummy!! Just bringing a little bit of me into their Christmas, ya know?

January brings wedding dress shopping - and here's hoping I lose 500 of the 1000 extra pounds I've regained in the last year. Not bitching about it, just being honest! Can we check the books? Has anyone EVER lost weight over Christmas?!? Especially in the culinary delight that IS Tex-ass. Good lord there's so many yummy yummy foods there!

Other than that I've got nothing left to tell. I'm back in Estevan and sure do miss that brand new Calgary baby. It was good to see the other kids in Regina though. Bubs felt HUGE in comparison to Miu Miu.

SO y'all take care out there -

Until later

Ciao